"I love this planet and all these people. Death terrifies me less than it used to. I have hope for the future as long as 2010 doomsday is only a cult myth. I am a spaz with a huge friend base. Despite what adults say, I really do love my boyfriend and I want to spend my life with him. In schoolwork and obligations I prefer planning; with friends and my boyfriend, spontaneity. I wish we hung out at the mall more often this year. I secretly do not have a plan for the future. I am random and I love my randomness. I am scared to go back and not sure I want to...

I think I would be interested in going into biology, but I would have to get over my hematophobia.

I want to read Harry Potter I in Spanish over winter break because I think my Spanish is slipping and it is important to me and it is something to do. And that is the kind of person I am."


No, I did not actually write that in my application... yet. But I wrote it in response to the prompt.

There is a fly in my room. His name is Ancestor. I named him Ancestor because he (she?) has been here for about a month. Flies do not usually live that long, my friend. Also, I don't think he ever leaves my room - besides which, he has died a time or two. Once, for instance, I found him drowned next to my sink. I shook my head sadly and said, "Oh, Ancestor." But when I went back for him the next morning, he was gone, and that afternoon or the next day there was Ancestor, flying around me like always.

He's an inoffensive little fly, not a house fly by any means. He doesn't buzz or distract. He just flies by me, keeping his little compound eyes on me. He's become something of a comfort, really.

But anyway, there is no way an ordinary fly would live in solitude in my room for weeks on end and be resurrected several times. Obviously he is the spirit of one of my predecessors here to watch over me and comfort me, and guardian things of that nature. So I named him Ancestor, and here he is.

I just thought maybe you would like to know that.

I don't think it's just this cold, though this cold does suck. It's also my blogging going negative, my comic lagging, my college essays not getting done...

It's wondering if I'm really going to be the salutatorian, or however you spell it, and whatever it means. It's wondering if I'm ever going to make it to State with East and Kent still sweeping Interp... It's wondering how to tell Erin that if my humor ever gets that good, I might abandon the duo and go to state in solos. It's wondering whether I'll have the energy to be in Cinderella, whether I'll get the part I want... It's wondering if I broke 650 on my SAT math score so I can get into the colleges I want to get into. It's wondering what will happen next semester, or this summer, and where I will be next fall - where I'll be flying home from for the holidays next year. It's wondering whether I'll become a teacher after all, or whether I'll just spend four years of undergrad floating through the aether trying to figure it all the hell out. It's wondering if I am capable of dropping five pounds, or if I'll ever want to. It's thinking about immaturity and maturity and where I fall, and whether my in-laws will like me and whether I'll still like myself by that time. It's wondering about whether I can conduct my biology experiment and everything else if I am allergic to latex. It's hoping that everyone is right and I will succeed like they all want me - like they all expect me to.

It's starting to be afraid that I'm getting farther away from my parents, but it's also being glad that I'm getting closer to my friends instead... It's sitting at a computer typing on an otherwise abandoned blog when I have congested sinuses and a cough. It's wondering whether this draft of my commonapp essay will finally be right. It's looking over at some wool and wondering if I'll ever be able to make another anything that isn't an essay.

It's taking a deep breath and remembering that we are out of chocolate chip cookies.

It's taking a walk on a day when it's 35 degrees out at the sun's zenith even though I know it will compromise my immune system because it feels warmer than midnight and that is enough.

It's having lunch with friends and talking about nothing of consequence. And everything of consequence. It's agreeing to go to a movie I don't want to go to so I can eat popcorn with people I wish I could see more often. It's thinking to the next day I can hop on my bike and forget about everything for a few hours. It's remembering the wind in my hair and hands in my hair and the sun on my face and warmth everywhere imaginable. It's looking at a photo, it's browsing the internet, it's texting someone important, it's smiling. It always comes back to smiling.

It's thinking about doctors and nurses and voting and being a legal adult. It's using a pink pen in my diary because I am the only one who reads it. It's about deciding to change my wardrobe on a whim and then making myself stop buying clothes. It's about not cleaning my room. Whatever it happens to be, it usually stops me from cleaning my room.

It's watching the sand fall into the shadow of an hourglass on my windowsill.

It's writing poetry.

It's sighing contentedly.

I guess it's just life.

Bad person for not blogging. I know. Been working on - essays - CAS. College stuff but not as much as I should be. Want to blog. No time.

But I am SUCH a spaz right now after I worked out more hard core than I have in a really long time by myself, and it wasn't even for anything... I've got the craziest exercise high right now. I have already talked myself out of baking cookies and memorizing the periodic table of the elements all the way through (I already know them up to Calcium). Ummm I have also been writing poetry. In case you were wondering.

And don't feel jealous, Blogger, because I haven't been posting on my Tumblr either.

This is my third stick of gum since I got home at 4.

I have a problem.

Currently stalling after finally, FINALLY starting to plan out my new EE (need the whole thing by November first =____=). Behhhhh. Then the next thing is my research investigation for Theatre, my IA for psych (you are thinking, why hasn't she finished that yet? She's been complaining about it for weeks. A-yeah. I know), picking my TOK topic, and studying for the SATs. Mostly the RI and bio, though.

And speaking of bio... I mean, my only reader knows this, because he was deliciously there for the waffle-making that caused this episode, but still. I am going to put it anyway. When I was preparing to mix up some nummy waffles, I had to rearrange a bowl set so I could have the middle one. I then put the small one back in to the big bowl, and the very first thing that came to my mind was "Introns! Exons! Recombinant DNA!"

That was yesterday.

This will be be one hell of a week.




WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Am I just going to be swallowed by all these essays? The EE is the biggest thing on my plate right now, the IA the closest thing. I just feel engulfed, I guess.

I CANNOT fail IB. I legitimately MUST get my IB diploma, or the last two years of over-stressing will have been for nothing.

I don't know why I'm so worried about it. Okay, I am: the IAs and the EEs have me frozen. I'm so petrified of failing one of them.

Everyone except Mike: "What are you talking about? You're second in the class! There is NO WAY you can fail at this point."

Mike: "I'm pretty sure if you fail all your classes, you will not be second in the class anymore. So I guess if it really matters to you, keep it up!"

I laughed after he said that. But it's true. I never really made a huge effort at being second in the class - I just made an effort to be the best I could be, and it turned out to be better than 366 other people's best.

Can I keep both of those standards up?