Goddamn it, everything feels useless at 5:58 p.m. when the sun is setting and I still have homework.
Just got an email from the lady who's been helping me with my college essay. Guess what? This draft is no good either. She thinks I hate her. I don't hate her; I'm just goddamn frustrated. When Mom suggested I do the Holocaust thing, I didn't think it would make a good essay, but after she and Nate looked over it and helped me out with it and I played it out to be this great big pivotal experience in my life, I thought it was pretty darn good. But no. She just shot it right down. "Scrap it completely." Or maybe it was "Set it aside entirely" or something better than "scrap it completely," but "scrap it completely" is what it darn well felt like.
Now don't get me too wrong here: I'd MUCH rather have HER tell me that my essay is a piece that nobody will remember than find out when nobody accepts me because they don't remember who I am.
But still, it's like, all the vibes I'm getting are for goddamn serious essays and I write a friggin serious essay and what do I get? "Set it aside entirely." I mean it just makes me upset.
Then she tells me I should pick some absurd moment in class or something that changed the way I think. "Don't be afraid to be funny." Don't be afraid to be funny? Goddamn it, I LOVE being funny! I thought college essays had to be serious! Besides which, what kind of a *&#$&% funny experience in the classroom has changed my freaking life? I'm not an epiphany kind of person! I've had like seven epiphanies and what happens? Either they reinforce stuff I'm already doing or I don't put them into practice! The fly-swatting "epiphany"? Reinforced! The shoe "epiphany"? Reinforced. The take-your-time-and-don't-overwhelm-yourself "epiphany"? Realized, thank you, can't function that way, ignored.
Hot damn.
And now a funny experience that changed my freaking life! What is that? N. suggested finding a penny. I can't really think of a time I found a penny and it changed my life. Closest I've come to something within her apparent parameters is the fact that I used to buy tons of stickers and never use them or let other people use them, and now I look at a sticker sheet and I think which ones I'd give to which friends.
ALL LITTLE KIDS DO STUFF LIKE THAT.
So, what? What? Mom: how about a book that changed the way I look at things? I read fantasy and historical fiction and books about the Titanic and biology. That is what I read. Has any of that changed the way I think? The only thing my reading has changed in the last two years is what I want to do with my life. Changed it from total clarity and clear sailing to I don't know what the hot-damn I want to do with my life.
And now this freaking extended essay draft is due tomorrow and I sure as hellfire don't want to rewrite it NOW, I'd much rather have a deadline in mid-October, and how much is it going to change, really? All I need to do is freaking sit down, fix some parenthetical notation, add a few quotes and literary features, and WHAM, second draft. What am I doing instead? Freaking out about a college essay draft that didn't work and NOT doing anything that's due tomorrow.
Or soon.
I'm not working on my EE, not reading for psych or preparing for my IA, not doing my Theatre concept or studying for my Maths non-calculator test tomorrow, I can't find my English notebook, even though book notes are due on Monday, which is bad, bad, bad, haven't read the next chapter for bio or looked over my experiments so I can discuss them with Mr Stickrath tomorrow morning and sort it out, haven't rewritten said experiments so that they follow the goddamn IB qualifiers...!
Oh man, is that it? Woah, clear sailing for this kid! Oh, wait! I forgot that I also need to do reading and research for my Biology G4 project, find a group for my TOK IA, finish my other four college application supplements, figure out what the hell requirements I have for NHS and SHS, try to figure out if I'm actually committed to doing a skit tomorrow night (which I want to, mind you, because I like drama and my friends, as a matter of fact), cut two interp pieces and work on differentiating my Southern accents...
...There. I think I've got it all down.
On top of it all, I wish I could do more stuff with drama this semester, and I have barely any time to see N, and I have been tired recently and everyone keeps trying to convince me to join clubs!
I probably have absolutely no right to complain, because how big are all of these stupid problems, anyway? But it's frustrating and it's stressful anyway.
And because I haven't blogged in so long, it sounds like nothing cool and happy is going on right now, which is a lie, because it totally is. And now I don't have time to write all the cool and happy because I've spent so much time angsting about schoolwork...
...Did I mention that I essentially broke up with my dad yesterday? As in the boyfriend-girlfriend kind of breakup. I asked him for all my clothes and books that are up at the house that I never visit. I think I feel farther away from him than ever, and then we sit down to dinner and it's all okay, but he and I are so disconnected and it's really weird, and that is the only time all week that we talk, but when the hell else am I going to talk to my own dad when I am so swamped with all this goddamned essay writing?
Sorry for all the cursing. Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.
Goddamn it.
'Night.
Just got an email from the lady who's been helping me with my college essay. Guess what? This draft is no good either. She thinks I hate her. I don't hate her; I'm just goddamn frustrated. When Mom suggested I do the Holocaust thing, I didn't think it would make a good essay, but after she and Nate looked over it and helped me out with it and I played it out to be this great big pivotal experience in my life, I thought it was pretty darn good. But no. She just shot it right down. "Scrap it completely." Or maybe it was "Set it aside entirely" or something better than "scrap it completely," but "scrap it completely" is what it darn well felt like.
Now don't get me too wrong here: I'd MUCH rather have HER tell me that my essay is a piece that nobody will remember than find out when nobody accepts me because they don't remember who I am.
But still, it's like, all the vibes I'm getting are for goddamn serious essays and I write a friggin serious essay and what do I get? "Set it aside entirely." I mean it just makes me upset.
Then she tells me I should pick some absurd moment in class or something that changed the way I think. "Don't be afraid to be funny." Don't be afraid to be funny? Goddamn it, I LOVE being funny! I thought college essays had to be serious! Besides which, what kind of a *&#$&% funny experience in the classroom has changed my freaking life? I'm not an epiphany kind of person! I've had like seven epiphanies and what happens? Either they reinforce stuff I'm already doing or I don't put them into practice! The fly-swatting "epiphany"? Reinforced! The shoe "epiphany"? Reinforced. The take-your-time-and-don't-overwhelm-yourself "epiphany"? Realized, thank you, can't function that way, ignored.
Hot damn.
And now a funny experience that changed my freaking life! What is that? N. suggested finding a penny. I can't really think of a time I found a penny and it changed my life. Closest I've come to something within her apparent parameters is the fact that I used to buy tons of stickers and never use them or let other people use them, and now I look at a sticker sheet and I think which ones I'd give to which friends.
ALL LITTLE KIDS DO STUFF LIKE THAT.
So, what? What? Mom: how about a book that changed the way I look at things? I read fantasy and historical fiction and books about the Titanic and biology. That is what I read. Has any of that changed the way I think? The only thing my reading has changed in the last two years is what I want to do with my life. Changed it from total clarity and clear sailing to I don't know what the hot-damn I want to do with my life.
And now this freaking extended essay draft is due tomorrow and I sure as hellfire don't want to rewrite it NOW, I'd much rather have a deadline in mid-October, and how much is it going to change, really? All I need to do is freaking sit down, fix some parenthetical notation, add a few quotes and literary features, and WHAM, second draft. What am I doing instead? Freaking out about a college essay draft that didn't work and NOT doing anything that's due tomorrow.
Or soon.
I'm not working on my EE, not reading for psych or preparing for my IA, not doing my Theatre concept or studying for my Maths non-calculator test tomorrow, I can't find my English notebook, even though book notes are due on Monday, which is bad, bad, bad, haven't read the next chapter for bio or looked over my experiments so I can discuss them with Mr Stickrath tomorrow morning and sort it out, haven't rewritten said experiments so that they follow the goddamn IB qualifiers...!
Oh man, is that it? Woah, clear sailing for this kid! Oh, wait! I forgot that I also need to do reading and research for my Biology G4 project, find a group for my TOK IA, finish my other four college application supplements, figure out what the hell requirements I have for NHS and SHS, try to figure out if I'm actually committed to doing a skit tomorrow night (which I want to, mind you, because I like drama and my friends, as a matter of fact), cut two interp pieces and work on differentiating my Southern accents...
...There. I think I've got it all down.
On top of it all, I wish I could do more stuff with drama this semester, and I have barely any time to see N, and I have been tired recently and everyone keeps trying to convince me to join clubs!
I probably have absolutely no right to complain, because how big are all of these stupid problems, anyway? But it's frustrating and it's stressful anyway.
And because I haven't blogged in so long, it sounds like nothing cool and happy is going on right now, which is a lie, because it totally is. And now I don't have time to write all the cool and happy because I've spent so much time angsting about schoolwork...
...Did I mention that I essentially broke up with my dad yesterday? As in the boyfriend-girlfriend kind of breakup. I asked him for all my clothes and books that are up at the house that I never visit. I think I feel farther away from him than ever, and then we sit down to dinner and it's all okay, but he and I are so disconnected and it's really weird, and that is the only time all week that we talk, but when the hell else am I going to talk to my own dad when I am so swamped with all this goddamned essay writing?
Sorry for all the cursing. Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.
Goddamn it.
'Night.
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